It's been a very long time since I have written an update.
There isn't much of one.
I'm not allowed to weigh. -Because I loved my scale too much. I got too dependent and it left me.
I can't weigh again until I eat 1600 calories for 30 days straight.
I made it three days.
I have to start over again.
I saw a nutritionist. She didn't tell me much about what I didn't already know. She just said it out loud.
Yesterday, I was told to go home from the gym because I hadn't had breakfast and I wanted to take a second class. I was still angry about it this morning. I'm still a little angry right now.
Over the last month, I have let frustration and disappointment pile up in my brain. I'm an imploding kind of person, so I never said anything about it. My brain and heart shut down and I shut everyone out. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want anyone to talk to me.
I was frustrated because I felt like I've lost control of this journey. I have no way to measure progress, because I don't have a scale. I was frustrated because I'm being pushed hard in the gym, which I need, but I wasn't feeling like I made any progress. I wasn't getting any better. And frustrated for many other reasons.
Which lead to the feeling like I was disappointing every one. My friends in the gym. My friends from my past gyms. My family. And most importantly, my trainer. I felt like I was wasting everyone's' time.
So I clocked out.
I went into the gym. I worked out. I left.
No high fives. No sarcastic comments.
Nothing more. Nothing less.
I feel like I'm making progress towards not beating myself down. I can't lie and tell you that I haven't cried in the shower after class or in my car on my way out of the gym. Shoot. I'm crying writing this. There are days I don't share how I feel. However, I'm trying to have a happy heart. Trying to think positive. Trying to look at the steps I have made towards a much healthier and happier me. My crew and Trace (my trainer for those who are new) won't let me give up and are doing their best for me not to shut down again.
I think that this entry is mostly for them. To say thank you for busting my (video hoe) booty every day. For encouraging me just before I've checked out and when you know I'm far away in my head. For getting up super early in the morning and running laps around the building. I appreciate yall.
And this entry is for you readers.
The ones who have checked out.
The ones struggling.
You're not done.
This blog is hard for me to write sometimes. I feel like I allow myself to be a little too vulnerable..because I don't like to be vulnerable at all. But, I know that if eight years ago when I started losing weight I had stumbled upon something like this, I wouldn't have felt so alone. I'm hoping that when you read this, no matter where you are in fitness and health, that you know that everyone struggles. Don't underestimate the folks working out next to you.