I'm not doing so well at my 32 in 32 list of writing in my blog every day. I moved into my new house..and I've been working like crazy. Not good excuses, but that's what has kept me from updating you about anything. I have started one of my things on my list, I am seeing a therapist. We are working on improving how I view myself and loving myself during the process, not waiting for the end results. It's all been difficult.
In spirit of the change I'm trying to make while in therapy, I decided to find something that I love and makes me feel good. And I found it again in dance. I used to dance, for about 8 years, when I was a kid. For some reason I stopped, and I've missed it ever since. Now that kickboxing isn't as much a part of my life, I've had this void. Something was missing for my life that made me feel good about who I was, who I am, and my capabilities. Kickboxing allowed me the opportunity to forget that I was overweight, I didn't have to compromise anything. My workouts right now, while challenging and awesome, aren't giving me the accomplishment and confidence that I had in kickboxing.
A gym-friend of mine went to this Twerkout class. Now, I know what you're thinking. This ain't no Miley Cyrus stuff. This is a full on hip-hop dance class. My friend, Michelle, and I decided to give it a shot one evening. I was nervous, because I have been ashamed of my body, and haven't been in a dance class since I was 14. Was I going to be able to keep up? Will I be laughed at? The normal questions that run through your mind. I was hooked after the first song.
No one judged.
I felt beautiful.
Accepted.
Liberated.
I don't think I've ever accepted my curves. I can't remember a time that I have loved my body. Loved something that my body can do. I think, also, that I missed performance. I missed communicating with my body, like dance allowed me to do.
Basically, I have been to every class that I've been able to make. Even driving to Clarksville to go to a 90 minute class. I'm going to keep going back. Every time I have gone, I forget about being "fat". I didn't even know I could ever feel that way. For as long as I can remember now, I have always thought about my size, my shape, my mass, that I can't remember just feeling like I was free. That I could just appreciate the body I was given, that it is enough for me. That it's power and strength is beautiful. For 60 minutes, I'm not worried about my booty. I'm not worried that my hips are wide, that I have thick thighs. I'm not worried if the squat is deep enough, if I'm doing enough reps. I'm not concerned with mileage or speed. I'm not in competition. I'm allowed to just be. I'm allowed to dance. I laugh. I smile.
I'm excited to see where I'll be in a month; what changes has been made to my mind and my body. It's been two weeks and I am miles from where I was. And it feels amazing.