i try to write very authentically in this blog, as authentic that you can be on the internet. and i haven't been to my therapist in about eight weeks, so i have a lot of thoughts swirling in my brain. i tend to be very private as i think about things. sometimes thoughts don't make sense when i try to explain them to people. i thought that the world was my oyster at one point in time. that i was going to take over and change it for the better. when i left louisville and moved after graduate school, i thought the job i was coming to would be temporary. that i would have rescyou figured out, i would have my mission figured out, and i would be doing my own thing by now. all my jobs here have been less than fulfilling. even though i love the clients i work with, they are amazing and i'm so honored to have been involved in this part of their lives. i don't doubt my abilities as a therapist, i know i am good at what i do. but why be good at something you're not passionate about?
i was talking to a coworker today. he is leaving after only being with us for less than six months. i went by his office to say good-bye and we got into a conversation. we talked about the lack of energy and residual anger we have from working there and in juvenile justice. we lost the energy to go for what we are passionate about. i showed him my planner when i said i have to schedule time for the things that i love to do. which sucks.
this feeling that i may have been avoiding going after what i want because of fear. because i am afraid of what people will think, who will support me (not financially), if i fail, if i fall, if i really mess it up. i've stayed in this system because it's safe and comfortable. it pays all my bills, it keeps me from taking risks, it saves me the embarrassment of messing up. i don't have to hear the words "i told you so" or anything like that.
i blamed so many other things for my failure. my weight, not having my counseling license, so many other things, and none of that is true. the only thing holding me back from anything is me and the excuses that i make. i am capable of making something happen. i am enough. i never give myself permission to fail at anything, because i don't want to disappoint anyone. i'm lying to myself when i think that i haven't failed, but i haven't failed anyone...i failed me. despite my flair for independence, i am terribly codependent on the thoughts other people have of me and they are sometimes the deciding factor of how my world spins.
there are some decisions to make now. if i keep up this cycle, i'm not going to get anywhere. rescyou will continue to be a blog and a facebook fan page. if i give up the cycle, who knows...i still may fall. which is the better option is what i need to decide.
this song has been on repeat. while it's clearly about relationships, to me, it's about where i am right now.
and i haven't posted a song in such a long time.