Hey. It feels kind of awkward to write some sort of pleasantry in a letter to someone of the past. Even though, I wish someone would have asked you “How are you” and really cared about the answer.
Anyway, you’ve made it to 33. You’re not famous or wealthy. You’re not married, a mother, or even in a relationship. And that’s almost exactly how you envisioned your thirties, you're happy this way (most of the time). You still have the same mentality of doing everything on your own and on your own terms. You’re a stubborn lady.
I wish you would have spent a little more time being present in the moment. You spend way too much time trying to get to the next thing, that it’s hard for you to really experience where and what you are. SLOW DOWN.
College will be fun, but they aren’t the best years of your life. You finally learn to care a little bit less about what people thought of you. Even though you still carry the guilt of trying to make others happy with you. Know that you are the only one that can make you happy. No one else has to live your life. In the end, you have to be happy with these decisions. Your mom and dad are proud of you despite all of the worry. They are happy to see you happy and doing really good things.
You will have a conversation with your theatre teacher in the last few months of your senior year about the power you have and how you hide too much behind the success of others. He will be absolutely right about you, but you won’t really appreciate this conversation until you’re in your 30s.
Your inability to share your feelings still weighs heavy in your 30s. You are often misunderstood. People don’t really seem to know you and that’s because of you. Share who you are; people will really appreciate it when you’re authentic and honest with them. Relationships don’t blossom until there is established trust and knowledge of each other. It’s really scary, it’s still really scary for you. I know you were burned a lot by letting people in, and that will continue forever. People are people sometimes, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t people out there who won’t invest in you. Vulnerability can be a beautiful thing, embrace it. It will make everyone in your life, including yourself, really happy.
You will let being overweight hold you back from so much of life. STOP IT. (That’s also a message for 33 year old you…let’s face it, you haven’t changed that much in the last 20 years.) The number on the scale or your clothing size means nothing to the person that you are. Your spirit and your talent is not dependent on any number. You were pretty awesome at the things you put your heart into. You stopped because you thought no one would cast the fat girl. You were wrong. Your defensive mechanism of always being funny, actually works. People think you’re funny. You’re super smart. Stop hiding behind your weight. It doesn’t really matter.
Don't try to shrink yourself, to make yourself disappear. Who are you not to shine? Be happy in your body, in your mind, with the talents you've been given. There will one day be people who look up to you, don't shrink away from that.
Getting out of Louisville was probably the best thing you did as a teen. You met your friends, your best friend, you saw the world, learned about music, blah blah blah. And I don’t think you would have had the courage you have if you hadn’t left. You miss your family and some other stuff from time to time, but the good outweighs the bad in this.
Your love of Batman, Mario Kart, Harry Potter, and all things fantastical makes you, well you. You were born with your head in the clouds. Don’t hide from it. Someday, people will find it endearing. It's really part of your charm. Being weird is fun and helps you deal with the world.
And what were you thinking getting your eyebrow pierced? Really, do you know how ridiculous that looked? Now you have a scar on your face, so you can’t even hide it. You still miss your blue/purple/pink hair.
All in all, you’re really happy with how everything turned out. There are many ups and downs ahead of you, some dark times, and some really fun times. It all turns out really great.