i feel like it's time to write about this, again. i have strayed away from writing about any sort of fitness or weight-loss journey because i got too caught up in the pleasing the audience, instead of embracing the journey. i've talked a little bit about my experience with the gym here, experiencing the crossfit open and all that, but i've tried to remain hushed about that part of my life.
over the weekend, i went to bangkok to watch my coach and a fellow crossfitter compete in the asia championships. i really like watching any athletic competition, from crossfit to muay thai to bjj to power lifting; i find them entertaining and inspiring.
i never thought i'd be into crossfit. it always seemed like some cult-like fitness craze, like p90x, that would fade away eventually. i had seen some youtube videos, i had heard a lot of people talk smack about it, so i stayed far away. when i interviewed for my job in cambodia, my (now) boss knew that working out was a very important part of my daily routine. when he mentioned that there was a "really great crossfit" gym, i winced inside. i had been olympic lifting for a bit, i do interval training...but not crossfit. so for a couple months i fought going. i had emailed about joining, but there weren't any on-ramp courses starting. i ended up starting in the bootcamp, doing on-ramp in december, now i've fallen down the crossfit rabbit hole. sure, there's still a lot of hype around it. there's just as much as there are for mma gyms or any other trend. you just have to do a lot of trial and error, before you find what works for you.
starting over at gyms is really hard. when i left louisville and went to nashville, i left the best gym/team i could have been part of. the same happened when i left nashville for here, i left some great teams, to very few options. not too long ago, i had lunch with my boss and he asked me what makes me go to the gym every day. other than the way it makes me feel, it's the people there. crossfit amatak has done an amazing job building a community of people. we cheer each other on, we give each other hell when we don't show up for a class, and even share side-eyes when ben (our coach) explains some seemingly impossible workout. sure, i go to a gym because workouts are challenging, yada yada, but it all comes down to the people. i can save my money and do workouts on youtube, if i just wanted to sweat and workout. leaving amatak is something that triggers tears when i think about when i have to move on from cambodia to the next thing.
not only will i miss the people, but i will miss where i learned a very important lesson. i have concentrated so hard of numbers on a scale, measurements, guilt over food, and all that, because i was most worried about losing poundage (or kilos..whatever). but in reality, it's not about that at all. as i watched my friends compete and all the others who played part in the championships, it finally clicked that it's about the progress in your athleticism, your determination, skill, and enthusiasm; not what the scale says. the number on the scale, smaller clothing, all of that is just a perk of all the hard work. i'm more impressed by maxing my deadlift at 231 pounds (so far), than that i lost 6 kgs last month (which is around 13 pounds). and i had to (have to) stop thinking of myself as an "unsuccessful athlete"because i wasn't losing weight as fast as i wanted.
it was something i needed to realize and admit to myself. over the last couple years, i had been pretty down on myself because i am not further than i wanted to be. getting my priorities in order, being proud of what i've done, and continuing to work despite not getting the "results" i want. i am not defined by any numbers.
so all in all, what i'm trying to say is keep chugging along. you're going to make it. stop worrying about a tummy, or a clothing size, or whatever. you may be the slowest runner ever, but finish that 5k that's part of our WOD today. you may not be able to lift more than the bar somedays, but you showed up to class. for me, i now have to concentrate on the timeline of things our coach has planned for us, showing up to workout every day, and doing my best. everything else i want; lower numbers on the scale, etc, will come. i wish that there was some magic trick that made everything the way i want it to be. but the only trick that there is, is work. i tricked myself i was doing enough before and i wasn't. i tried to outwork a bad diet, then i tried to deny myself nutrients, i blamed the trainer, i switched gyms and what it all boils down to, is doing the work. i lost my motivation because i was looking for impossible results. now that it's all starting to make sense, and there's a realistic goal ahead of me, i have a new sense of determination to do the work.