i usually write a blog entry around the same time of filming a video. lately, the words and will to write hasn't come to me. here we are, a week after posting...writing. today just feels like that day.
a few weeks ago, now, i was in talks about being part of this project. i had gone through the process and was waiting to hear back from them and days had gone by. i was growing anxious; i had walked away from them feeling like conversations had gone well. it was be a new experience to me, but i was excited for the chance. if i have learned anything in the past couple years, it's take every chance that sounds like a good one. i emailed them, just "checking in", and i got an email minutes later.
the rejection itself didn't hurt, it was what they said. they said that i didn't "fit the image they were trying to project" or "fit in with the culture". it's a punch to the gut.
"fitting in" has been a struggle my whole life. i have always felt like i was always slightly on the outside of every group, never quite there. when i became an adult, i thought that was almost over for me. i had found my people, my community. i've learned to mold myself, professionally, to fit in with any group. so my quirkiness has never really come into play.
when i read that email, i felt like a kid again. i questioned what part of me didn't "fit in". was it my clothes? my hair? or was it something i said? did i do something wrong?
having a few weeks to look back on it, i know that what they said has little to do with me, it's about them. i'm not less, or outside of anything. and i'm grateful that i learned early and not when i was invested. i am disappointed in them, because that's not a way to build community well, which is the intention of the project. it's also allowed me to chase other opportunities.
i was definitely knocked off my path for a bit. there are insecurities that i thought i was over, that were just buried really deep. we are always evolving and changing, and i have to be confident and accepting of my own quirkiness. the positive of that is that i don't have to defend my quirkiness either. it's me, and it's okay that i don't "fit" everywhere. i'm a piece to my own puzzle, in the land of misfit puzzles, and i'm alright with that.