All my life, I’ve been the oldest of my grade. I went to kindergarten twice, don’t judge..I’m brilliant. When I turned 16 before everyone else, I was so excited. I got my momma’s 1995 Ford Taurus. It was taupe, because that was in her color chart. It was awesome, had a stereo and it ran. That was the major thing.
My dad taught me how to drive when I was 14 in the parking lot of Fairdale High School. So I thought that I was a pretty decent driver. I had been practicing for two years. He watched me back out of our driveway and told my best friend, “She went to the Ray Charles School of Driving”. That should give you a good idea of my mastery skills at that time.
Eppy, my taurus, was quite a lemon. It was always breaking down, with something. Firestone, Bridgestone, every small town mechanic knew us by name. I was always greeted with “Hello Miss Amos! What can we do for you?” and they’d deduct part of my college fund for some part I can’t pronounce. I swear, I never left that place without dropping at least $300.
Eppy did however make for some pretty great trips. I’m sure she’s given all the new dudes at Bachman Auto Group lot some really great stories, with her smoker’s cough and shakes.
When I was in high school, I felt like Eppy was invincible. My friends and I would speed down Dixie Highway, hanging out of the car windows, spilling Icees in the backseat, listening to Reel Big Fish and just loving life. When college game around, it came time for better adventures. Eppy was ready.
I could give you at least 10 really amazing stories about my adventures with Eppy. But, I’m only going to give you 5, that seems like just enough.
1. My friends, Sam, Erin, Terri and myself had left some place (Steak-N-Shake, Wal-Mart, whatever was open late) late one evening. Sam had met us there, so he had his car and I had mine. Terri and I went in my car, Sam and Erin in Sam’s. About two blocks up the road, Terri and I thought it was a brilliant idea to race each other back to Sam’s house. Now, we weren’t going 90 or anything. This was a high quality 50 mph race. I may have ran a stop light and a cop car followed me and another followed Sam. All the while, Terri is yelling “DRIVE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD!!! DRIVE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD!!!!” as he head down the street. I notice the cop tailing us and have a minor panic attack. As we turn onto Sam’s street, I turn off my car and we hide in the floor boards of my car. We are in between laughter and sheer terror as we see the cop car roll by. When Sam and Erin arrive, we get out of the car. Terri starts shouting, “DID YOU SEE THE COP!!?!?!?! THAT IS SO AMAZING!!!” Sam stares at her and yells for her to get in the house. We do so, turning off all the lights and peeking out the front blinds. The cops search our cars. We stayed at Sam’s house that night, leaving to make our 8 am classes. The cops were waiting outside my apartment complex. I did not get arrested or questioned. I made sure to be at church on Sunday.
2. Terri and I went to Jim’s, our professor, house to pick up pots from a pit-fire. We were really close with Jim and his family, so we were running around his land, playing with the dog and checking out all the pots. As we went to leave, we were all laughing and joking in my car and felt a big crash. The car shook and i turned to see what I had hit, fearing it was the dog. Nope, it was a LARGE tree, right in the middle of my bummer.
3. My senior year, I was heading home from school one day as normal and I was changing CDs in my stereo when I came to stop at a red light, suddenly I felt a jolt and my car wouldn’t move. I had hit a garbage truck...when a man on the back of it. It produced deep grooves in the bummer. I painted over them with touch up paint, I know my parents saw but just didn’t say anything.
4. My senior year of school, I finally got a smidgen of school spirit. I got a wild hair to actually participate in Powder Puff football. Most of you know that I’m kinda rough and tumble anyway. Well, on the day of the game we were allowed to wear our costumes to school. Anyway, picture this. A roughly 425 pound girls in a red sweatshirt that is airbrushed, grey sweatpants that are also airbrushed, and my hair is BRIGHT blue and hot pink. Anyway, I had gone to Jefferson Mall to pick up a sweatshirt to wear for dress-down day the next day. I’m at the stoplight at Preston Highway and Outer Loop, one of the busiest intersections of Louisville, waiting for my light when smoke starts coming from the hood of my car. Then my car quits as the light changes. I’m so mad and embarrassed. This old lady behind me is hanging out her window yelling profanities at me, that’s the southend for you. What makes matters worse, I had to push my car into the gas station on the corner. All of Outer Loop traffic saw my big ol’ butt in the air pushing the smoking car, my butt reading “Mess With The Bull & You’ll Get The Horns”.
5. I’m saving the best for last. Halloween, my junior year of college. A bunch of my friends and I had driven to Clinton, Il, not far from where I went to college, to go to a haunted house. I don’t get scared very easily, so I was up for watching my friends scream in terror. Anyway, two of my friends had to go in the group behind us and we were forced to wait. I had parked further away, so a group went to get my car. As we pulled up, I drove by our friends so I went to make a turn around in the gravel lot. Half the lot was gravel and half was grass. I pulled between two cars to turn and my car fell. Turns out the grass lot was two feet LOWER than the gravel lot. Not only was my car nose down in the grass lot, there was a gas pipe that sticks up out of the ground. This gas pipe was for the whole town. My friends and I are laughing about me doing something dumb and figuring out what to do. When people start yelling “GET OUT OF THE CAR!!!!”. We noticed the gas smell, but I figured it was my car, not that I had knocked over this gas pipe. Suddenly, every single cop and fire vehicle were in the lot. There were whispers of me getting arrested and getting fined for cutting off the gas to an ENTIRE town. $1200 later, I end up with zero jail time, no fine, but torn fuel lines. Note to self: just stay where you parked.
Poor Eppy was put to rest in August. She had a good life and I’m sure all her family is rejoicing as they were reunited in the car lot in the sky.