I'm a mixture of emotions and thoughts recently. It's not hormonal, it's soul-searching. This week, I had a door shut in my life. I spent about two days just staring at it, hoping the people on the other side would reconsider. It's Sunday and nothing has changed.
I had the opportunity to interview for a job working directly with trafficking victims with an organization I believe wholeheartedly in. I still believe in them and my relationship with this organization hasn't changed. I still volunteer, I know that they are going to change Tennessee into a slave-free state and the leadership of this organization is fantastic. They are a mentor and role-model to what I aspire to professionally and personally. I truly think that them choosing someone else, is the best thing they could have done for me.
I sincerely believed that I was the BEST for this job. I was not. The comfort in this situation comes in knowing that thought went into the decision and that there is someone out there who was better. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't devastated. But after a couple days of just spacing out, crying, and getting support from my friends/family, I picked myself back up, looked around at the pieces around me, and decided to put it back together. I hit an ice berg and I now have to rebuild my boat.
Last night, my thoughts wouldn't rest. I went and stood in the room that is now an office/studio; I stared at a blank wall, post it notes in hand and just started writing. I turned on some music and kept going for a couple hours. I looked over them this morning and again this afternoon, and I think I might be onto something.
I spent a lot of time watching "The Newsroom" (Aaron Sorkin is a genius) and rereading notes from conferences and trainings. Like Will McAvoy (Jeff Daniels character in "The Newsroom"), I wholeheartedly it's my job to do this better and differently than everyone else . Story of my life. Ask my parents, I never did anything the obvious or easy way. I have been working with trafficking since 2004. The only reason I became a therapist was to work with trafficking victims. I spent most of the last couple days thinking "When is it my turn?!"
The answer to that is easy, my time is now. Right now. I have to stop living in the shadows and recognize that I have the tools. I just have to build the boat.
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. has been quoted to say " A man who has not found something he is willing to die for, he is not fit to live".
To make this cause my life, I have to be willing to put my blood, sweat and tears into it. When we are given talents, mission, causes, we have to face them and push forward. No matter the detour, stumble, obstacle or fear. Am I willing to put myself in danger? Yes. I went to India, by myself...that has to say something. Am I willing to live in trusting each step, instead of seeing the entire staircase? As scared as I am to admit it, yes...Yes I am.
Now to just take the step.