Based in louisville, kentucky, "hi my name is amos", is a blog and youtube channel about mental health, body image, and managing life. 

Thicker Than A Snickers--This Is Why I Squat

photo-59 Two months has gone so quickly. Official weigh in this morning read a 15 pound weight loss (total) and 9 inches (total) from waist and hips. BOOM! That's the biggest movement in pounds and inches in a very long time. I'm super excited. Glad that no one was home when I weighed, because there was a small dance party in the hallway. I even did a round of "little circles" in celebration, and I used to protest those. (Buuuuut, they really work. you can tell in my hips and booty). I can tell a major difference, especially in the photo, but also in my clothes and energy level. I'm not getting as tired, I'm able to push myself further in workouts, and I'm happier.

I have also become so much more aware of my body. For the last, I don't know, 17/18/19 years, I've seen myself as one shape...ROUND. Circular, spherical, whatever..just round. Never before have I noticed that I am more than a beach ball.

Maybe, it comes from my new job. For those of you who read this and don't know me, I started working as a therapist at a correctional facility for juvenile males, teenage ones at that. Teenage males are interesting in general, put them in a lockdown facility and it just gets better. I've been working with this population for the last three years, and I've yet to have an experience quite like this one when it comes to comments they make. Most of the time, I'm able to laugh it off or I'd be yelling at kids all day.

I hear a lot about my rear..*Which I was told by a plastic surgeon that people pay for one like it.* I get whistled at, a lot "I Love seeing her walk away", that kind of thing. In my head I thank Trace and Eric (my muay thai coach) and HotBox staff for all the squats and kicks. Out loud, I explain how that's inappropriate. Then I wear a dress to work..And it's a whole other story. Normally I wear pretty casual stuff to minimize my "femaleness". Last Wednesday I wore a skirt. I didn't think much of it. Wednesday is a day that is full of meetings and I had 5 release meetings for kids. Release meetings are big, their parents and state workers come, so I wanted to look nice. After the meeting, I walked to a dorm to pick up a kid for a session. The next day, I picked up a kid in the morning and the first thing out of his mouth "What was with that dress, Ms. Turner?". After explaining, and a bit of questioning on my part, I got the load of what these boys were, and have been saying, back on dorm about me. The kid dropped this bomb:


I had to google it. I didn't know what that meant at all. I ended the conversation and explained how uncomfortable that makes me to know that me and my "curves" are topic of conversation. A "teachable moment" if you will with this kid. I'm not sure if he got it, but I know that he put in an effort to understand. And I haven't worn a dress since.

My booty has been a source of pain for most of my life. I was always afraid to work through a classroom, because I would literally clear off a desk with my booty. Buying pants is/was a nightmare. Dresses were hard to buy because I'm two different sizes. I could go on.

I have never fully appreciated my body as I've progress through this journey. I haven't accepted where I am and how far I've come. I always look at how much further I have to go. I think having a much healthier view of my body, helps me model healthier interactions for the boys that I work with. Women in our culture in general, have a really unhealthy view of ourselves. We get fired at from the media, the males of the world haven't been taught to really value us, and generations of negative self-talk/image, have brought us down. I'm not round anymore. I'm super curvy, and that's okay. I don't clear desks anymore. Clothes shopping is fun. The more positive I am about this journey, the more of a change comes from the inside to the outside.

Arch Nemesis-A Study in Failure

Asking the right questions