Based in louisville, kentucky, "hi my name is amos", is a blog and youtube channel about mental health, body image, and managing life. 

Arch Nemesis-A Study in Failure

There are times when I have to admit that I don't have it all together. I'm reminded of that sometimes when my kids will mention how perfect my life must be. From the outside, I can understand how they feel that way...I'm not locked up. No felonies. Then I laugh, because just the thought amuses me. I'm a good actor, I guess. This week has been full of challenges. My workouts are getting harder, my job is getting harder.

Had to run yesterday. I hate running with people. I don't mind running. I've done two half marathons, I ran on my own. Key phrase: On my own. I don't like running with people because they are faster than me. I hate being slower than everyone else.

Trace has been trying to get me to be friends with the bosu ball. Do you know him? Here's a mug shot.



Harmless enough. Standing on the actual ball isn't hard. Been there done that. Want squats? Sure, all day. Then....Then!!! Trace turns it over. Tells me to stand on it. Who knew such a harmless object could be such a torture device? I crumbled. In tears. (Have we noticed a theme here? I always end up in tears.)

I have this thing about not liking being unbalanced. I inherited my father's grace..meaning I FALL EVERYWHERE. Fell off the risers at choir camp, fall in parking lots, fall off chairs, I just fall. As I've gotten more athletic, I've gotten better at staying on my feet.

Standing on this, felt like an earthquake. (What I know of an earthquake...I'm an inland girl) My whole body was shaking. I had to hold onto Trace. I was afraid to let go. Having always looked at myself as an independent person, it was very hard to have to rely on someone. I like to think I can take care of myself. Mostly, I get insecure...frankly, frustrated, when I can't do something perfectly and on my own. It's weird. I realize that humans are not meant to do things on their own.

I've always been judged on my abilities based on my body. So I have fought really hard to do everything I can on my own. Suddenly, I'm faced with an obstacle that I can't run away from. I'm not about to walk out of a session. I don't quit, but I surely wanted to quit this.

Doing this exercise has helped me realize what my kids go thru in sessions; having to trust me and give up control. I try to create a safe environment, so that they feel comfortable being honest. I know that I'm safe and okay during my training sessions. It's okay to mess up and not be perfect. If I fall off, I get back on. I have to trust this process, my trainer, and myself.

The Man, The Legend

Thicker Than A Snickers--This Is Why I Squat