Based in louisville, kentucky, "hi my name is amos", is a blog and youtube channel about mental health, body image, and managing life. 

The Fine Line Between Self-Improvement and Self-Destruction

photo-65 I'm a little late on my monthly post. Work has been incredibly busy and I didn't know quite yet what I wanted to say with this entry. I've allowed this blog to be completely and utterly honest. I didn't want to feed the "it gets better" weight loss blog and just tell you HOW I did this. Because it's a lot more than that. This is a change in every habit, thought, and way I do things. Obviously, the old way wasn't working.

Sunday night was my favorite awards shows of the year; The Tony's. I watch every year and usually cheer with delight. Seriously, ask my roommate, she witnessed. Theatre is a big part of my life, and always has been. Going to shows, performing, rehearsals, choir, dance practice, any and all of it.  I don't talk about it much, but I majored in Theatre in college...and art, but I highlight the art part. I lived theatre and performing growing up. Whether it was dance or music, then in high school I discovered theatre. I was mostly behind the scences, but I loved it. I love getting involved in a character, transforming to them, and telling their story to the audience. Anyway, halfway through college I decided to change majors. I wasn't getting a lot of stage time, not getting challenged, and it was my fault. In my head, I knew what to do and how I wanted the character to be...but I couldn't show that to anyone. I was afraid of myself presenting the character. I didn't want to flub..because I was the fat girl, not just an actor who messed up. My self-esteem took a crushing blow as my number on the scale went up. I switched to art because I could hide behind it. I could create a story, create a character, but I didn't have to BE it. (which is why I love all creative arts)

Now, I don't want to sound like I've regretted my decision. I don't, my life has taken some crazy turns and I'm happy with it. I'm sure this change of heart and fear of failure has lead me to who I am today. Not in a bad way either. I do something completely different and I get to make a difference. This does point out the line that we all walk between self-destructing and self-improvement. I chose to self-destruct because I was afraid. It was easy for me to just turn away, instead of fighting for it. I still do it today, just in different situations.

I chose to self-destruct a lot. Usually to myself. I tear myself down during measuring and body fat % time. So now I'm not allowed to talk. The road to self-improvement is a lot harder than I thought it would be. The exercising and eating are easy, the mental game is tougher than I want to admit. I know that I'm a good person and that I'm talented and capable. (blah blah blah)

That's where I am right now. I'm working through this all. Step by step. Admitting how much my weight has really influenced my life is hard for me, mostly because I haven't told anyone or acknowledged it myself. It's crushing to me that I let something like that win, when I believe myself to be a fighter. It's true though. I backed down from those fights. Backed away from things I loved.

As I work though this, and as I share with you, I'm discovering how stupid that decision was/is and that it's not the end. Things can change. I just have to be ready not to back down.


Get Out Of Your Head, Listen To The Music