this thursday brought a heavy feeling in my tummy all day. i felt like i was just waiting for bad news. as this outreach grows, the more my self-doubt creeps in my pores. a very familiar voice starts echoing. the voice that says i'm going to screw this up. the outreach isn't rocket science. we make food, we go in, serve it, and hang out. what happens during that time is magic and i can't really explain it to people. i get strange looks when i say i work with women in the sex industry. when i'm in the club though, i really don't notice the nudity or even the men that hide in the shadows. i am so involved in the conversation with the women, that you could put us anywhere.
this week i met a girl named S. she and i are the same age, but came from very different situations. what we did have in common was that we had dreams. we talked about our dogs. we talked about how we thought we'd be somewhere different now, by this age. we both agreed that psychologists we've worked for can be on the arrogant side. we encouraged each other to do the things we wanted to do, see the bigger picture of our lives.
i left last thursday and that voice was gone. i know it's not true. i'm not going to mess anything up as long as i'm myself when i walk in those doors.
each week this outreach gets better. we were there for 2 hours this week. the bartender that i thought would never give us a chance, said she loved us. the bouncer and i talked for a good long time about louisville. i'm thankful for whomever comes on wednesday nights, because they opened a door for us. i'm really excited to see what the future brings us with this outreach. who knows where we'll end up and who we will meet.
this thursday i'm not going to listen to that voice anymore. it's been around for awhile. telling me that i will always fall short. never level up. if i listen, it will only harm the outreach and me. the more i tell myself that i'm a failure, the more i will fail.
there's a lot of momentum. which makes me incredibly happy. i just have to take this one thursday at a time.