today marks the two month mark for me in cambodia. it feels like i've been here for at least a year already. i'm learning so much, about me and so many other things. i don't really feel homesick all that often, maybe because i'm more aware of my emotions now or because my mind is so full of other things that i don't really have time to think about home. i have had moments where i think to myself, "i wish i was back in america", but it's mostly when something doesn't happen for me easily...like getting my debit card back because i had left it inside an atm...or trying to get to the post office (it took 75 minutes to get there). i've had to learn to let go and just trust the process of this experience and give myself completely to it.
my biggest struggle has been trying to exist within two worlds. my asian world and my american world. that part hasn't been the easiest. i'm having a great time here in phnom penh. i'm learning a lot, as i said. i've grown so much in two months. i haven't developed the community i'd like to have, but i understand that it comes with time. i've joined a gym that my boss had recommended, and slowly pieces will fall into place. i love my job and the people i work with here. sure, there are challenges and frustrations. now though, i'm not as hesitant to deal with them. and they don't happen as often as they have at other places. there's more of a challenge here for me, in a good sense, to grow as a professional and lead. which i feel like i needed.
in my american world, i never expected time to stop. i knew life would go on for my friends and my family; i would get the summaries of what's going on when time would allow. i think what i struggle with the most is that i am slowly feeling like i'm not as much a part of that world as i was. it's hard to process that. i feel like i'm pulled in different directions at times. and it's very hard.
i don't really feel like i exist in either world right now.
i'm so happy that i'm here. i wake up every day getting to pursue a dream i've had for years. there are so many people in the world who can't say that they do that. i have a great time, and i feel supported by the community i have here. i don't want to go home yet. and i don't have a sense of when that time will be for me. in my heart, there's not an end date as of yet. it's not like in jobs past, where i dreamt of the day i would move onto the next round of things. i'm perfectly happy doing this every day for a while.
it's just really hard not to stare into my american world; and that's what i feel like i do..just stare. i miss my own house. i think about projects i've yet to finish and ways i want to set rooms up. but someone else in living in my house right now, not me. i miss having people that really knew me, that i could be honest with, so close to me. i miss being able to be myself.
i'm trying to find that sweet spot, where i realize that i exist in both worlds. i just have a new role. this is a hard journey and i have to figure this out along the way. i don't know what the next step is and i'm trying to just be open to experiences as things unfold. being open and vulnerable isn't as easier said than done, but oh the joy that comes from the wait.
there's a lot of emotions around a big adventure such as this; some heavier than others. allowing myself to feel them and experience them, no matter how ridiculous they may seem, is okay. all feelings are valid. this is a big part of my story. a grand adventure that's only the beginning to so many more. i look forward to the next chapters, and right now it's okay to just know the next word. that next word is hard enough to digest.