At the beginning of this year, I received a grant to make art. The body of work that I was going to produce was to be based on interviews with other people about their bodies and their relationship to the world. Then corona hit. I had to find a different way to make this all happen. When I started to think about how to do this and navigate social distancing, quarantine, and all that, I kept falling back on having to make this work about my own journey and where I am with my own body.
Today I’m turning 38 and despite the wonderful life I have lived, I hate my body. I hate this sack of flesh that I have been dwelling in. And always have. No shopping trip, fad diet, HIIT workout, high school (or adult) bully, or positive mantra I say in the mirror, nothing makes the slightest budge in my relationship with it. I’ve weighed less than I do now, I’ve weighed more than I do now, it hasn’t made a difference.
How do I tell that story? It’s dark at times, but I don’t want sympathy. Would I have to share pieces of myself that I haven’t even told a therapist? Do I admit the things I tell myself? Will they echo with you? Will I validate how other people see me too? Am I ready to start talking about this, at all?
Corona has given me the blessing and challenge of telling this story in a way that I had not planned, but in a way that lives forever…on the internet. So here we go. Over the next year, I will document the journey from self-loathing to (hopefully) overflowing self-love through art and words. My goal is once a week, but it might be every couple. We will see. I will share how I got to where I am now. This is your invite to come along with me.
38. Black and White Polaroid Instant Photo. 2020